meh

i've come to the point in my life where i am extremely miserable.  the kind that makes you throw up at night crying.  mainly because i'm helplessly in-love with someone, and i feel so empty because i will never have that person to fill that part in my heart.  when she pays attention to my shy self, gives me a hug, talks to me, it means nothing but friendly social interaction to her, but to me it's the entire world.  this craving, this love, one second of being close to her is wonderful, but at the same time it makes me miserable because i know my desires will never come true.

i'm also miserable because my parents are going through some shaky times, and they are on the fringes of divorce.  it's paying a huge toll on me because i bottle up all my sadness and anger because i'm afraid i might hurt this girl, or i'd hurt my parents.  i feel completely empty and angry.  i just want to cry my life out.

but hopefully i can use this to fuel more miserably paintings.  i have nothing else to do, but who really cares about me now.