I can honestly tell you I've become a miserable song these past few days. You get a lovely high one day, and then the waves just come in, and your life feels like a storm. Many nights have I stayed up thinking about a lot of things, maybe thinking a little too much, smoking a little too much, and sobbing a little too much. I don't know where I'm really going with this friend, but I love you, you are always on my mind. I want to find the answer to all of my problems, I want to know why I feel so fucked up emotionally, but I feel like I can never, and will never. And maybe I just have to accept it. Maybe, I'm just selfish desiring everything I want, maybe I have to step back and act selfless. I want to know I really exist for me, and not for others. I want to know I'm really alive.
I came to the realization that maybe life is a simple thing that we ourselves make very complicated. I feel like if everyone were a little bit more apathetic and cheerful, there'd be hope in humanity. One of the things that trouble me the most is Religion. How could we explain a God: an unexplainable thing, rationally. How, can we humans confine this peculiar thing that has been the cause of wars and hate, and the cause of love and miracles. How do we confine this spirit to rules, regulations, and religion? Is it really that simple, to just write a book 'inspired by' a mystery? Maybe God is a crutch for all of our problems, or maybe he really is a comedian laughing at an audience too afraid to laugh.
Do you believe in love? Love is an interesting thing. It’s so tender and soft, yet it can kill someone. You find someone, and for some reason you attach yourself to them. Not because you want to, but because it’s odd, for some reason, it just makes sense. You love this person despite you not even understanding it. Friend, she/he has absolutely nothing for you, she/he can offer you nothing but pain, she/he will never return this love. Yet you love her/him and hold her/him up as if you found the answer to life. Maybe the answer to life is her/him, but the saddest part of this song is you can never have it. And the most fucked up part is you know, you tell yourself this is how it will be till the end of eternity, yet you still love her/him, and you know she/he will never know.
Elliott Smith’s Waltz #2 is playing on my record player right now, it’s such a beautiful song. I watched an interview with Elliott Smith; he was talking about how he writes songs. He doesn’t look at the guitar’s fret board, he kind of just freestyles it, he feels the music, because he said if he sees his fingers then he can control what comes next, if he’s not paying attention he can create spontaneous songs with feeling. I thought that was very interesting, and sitting alone on a bench having my 30th philosophical cigarette of the day, I was thinking about life. We try so hard to control our lives, analyzing every situation, trying to control our destinies. Why can’t we just let go? Let life flow like a soft pretty song, or the tender kiss of a lover’s lips. Who cares if God is unexplainable! Who cares if he or she fucked! Who cares if your order at McHeartattack was messed up! Who cares you got a gold star in 3rd Grade! Who cares your favorite indie band is touring with Daft Punk! Who cares if they are getting a divorce! It’s easier said than done, but we have to sit back and relax.
Friend, I’m miserable. I know! There’s no doubt about it. But I feel peace. I feel like I found my answers, maybe not all of them, but I think I’ve found the answers. Maybe I can’t have the answers? But I know them, and at least I have that. If I die tomorrow, it’s fine. I feel like I accomplished a lot. I’ve met who I’ve needed to meet, I’ve fucked over who I needed to fuck, etc. It was lovely.
I’m getting real sick; yesterday I was coughing blood. I just want a hug. I feel like I’m in my labyrinth. It’s my maze, and I have to get out, it’s my test. I want you to know I never meant to say anything to hurt you. I want you to know I regret not kissing her. I want you to know I regret saying those horrible things to mom. I want you to know I forgive you. I want you to know I really truly love you, and always will. I want you to know I’ll be waiting for you."
No comments:
Post a Comment